The Problem With Fixing Others' Problems
When we abandon our need to fix, we are then able to hold space for others.
It was the last day of a two-day course, and I was going on a rant about listening again. No, not about the participants listening, but rather, how we can improve our listening abilities. These rants happen often. At the end of my verbal diarrhea, this big and burly construction guy’s hand shoots up. Oh crap, I thought, this guy looks way too eager to say something, and he hasn’t said anything on topic in the last two days! Against my better judgment, I called on the guy.
“Jason, Jason, I finally figured out why my wife is always getting upset with me!”
Oh, jeez….this is not what I was just saying! “Go on…” I said, hoping that this was going somewhere.
“Well, every time my wife comes home from work, she starts talking to me about her day and all the problems she had to deal with! And as she’s talking, I’m sitting there thinking about how she can solve her problem! Then, when she’s finished talking, I tell her how she can fix her problem, and she always gets mad at me. But I’ve figured out why she’s getting mad, Jason! It’s twofold, for starters, I’m not actually listening anymore because I’m so busy trying to solve her first problem that I missed problems 2 thru 17! Secondly, she actually doesn’t need me to fix anything! She just wants me to listen. She already knows what she needs to do, she doesn’t need my smartass telling her what to do!”
Bingo.
I think this is a problem that we all have. We love to fix people’s problems. I mean, who wouldn’t? We’re smart people! We have lots of valuable advice to give! Gather ‘round children, let me tell you a tale!
The Problem with Fixing
There are three problems with trying to fix other people and their problems.
The first problem is the, often unconscious, assumption that we are smarter than the person in front of us. And we’ve all experienced this, we’re talking to a friend about something that’s happening in our lives, and before we know it, we’re getting unsolicited advice about what we should do, even if we didn’t want it in the first place! Here’s the truth, we are all wisdom holders. All of those experiences, education, heritage and culture that you have? That all contributes to the wisdom that you hold deep within you. And when we hold that wisdom, we also hold the answers to most of the issues that we’ll face.
No, that doesn’t mean that we won’t have to bounce ideas off of others. Or maybe even have someone ask us questions to dust off some of those skills and knowledge that we haven’t used in a while. Regardless, we are the experts in ourselves, and whether you realize it or not, the answer to the issue you are facing lies within you.
The second problem is one that I hear from managers and supervisors all the time - “I don’t get it, Jason, my direct reports keep coming back to me for every little problem they have!” Exactly. They keep coming back with every little problem because you have anointed yourself as the expert problem-solver, and why would they do the hard work of reflecting and using their wisdom when the easier answer is to get their all-knowing, and all-wise manager to solve the problem for them?
Which leads us to the third problem - they keep coming back because we have not made it a safe place for them to fail. Failing is how we gain that wisdom, it’s the learning we get in the process of getting back up. When we are solving problems for others, what we are saying is you’re not safe to experiment, feel uncomfortable, and try new things. No, the only thing that you can do is listen and follow orders. When I first started working, I had a colleague that used to tell me, “If I wanted your opinion, I’d give it to you.”
Exactly.
When we fix others’ problems we also end up taking on their issues. I don’t know about you, but I have enough shit of my own to hold that I really don’t have the strength to hold everyone else’s issues too!
It’s only when we abandon our need to fix that we are able to hold space for others.
So if we can’t solve problems, what do we do?
Dan Pink, in his book, To Sell is Human, talks about how the role of salespeople has changed. Think about it for a moment. It used to be that when you went to Sears to buy a vacuum cleaner (yeah…we’re going back to the days of Sears!), you would go to the store and the salesperson would tell you about each of the vacuum cleaners. They’d tell you which ones were on sale, the specs of each of them, and they would help you solve the problem you were facing about getting a new vacuum cleaner. Nowadays, though, you search for those vacuum cleaners online, so you already know which ones are on sale and what the specs are, jeez, you even know the aisle they are in!
So what’s the role of the salesperson now? It’s to help you define the actual problem. Maybe the problem isn’t that you just need a new vacuum cleaner, maybe the problem is actually that you need to get rid of your carpet! Alright…that’s kind of a silly example, but you get the point.
I think this doesn’t just apply to salespeople, but rather all people. Instead of being problem solvers, maybe we need to become better problem definers.
How can we do that?
One of the ways to accomplish this is by creating a safe space. A space where people can remove the mask they are constantly wearing. A place where they can fall and fail and do it with minimal embarrassment and ridicule. A place where they can throw their ideas against the wall and see what sticks. A place where they can truly be themselves. Loved. Worthy. Enough.
Another way is by asking good questions. Often the first problem that comes to the surface is a symptom of something larger. Something more important. By asking good questions, we can start getting closer to the root of the problem.
What do you think? What are some other ways we can create a safe place for people?