Taking Off The Mask

How do the masks we wear impact our need to be seen?

I had a realization this week: Our masks can influence our ability to get help. 

This week I was having a confidential conversation with a person trained in helping other people through difficult things (i.e. my therapist). I was explaining a particularly stressful conversation I had earlier in the week and how I was thankful that I had enough life and work experience that I was like a duck in water; looks smooth and calm on the surface, but underneath, those little feet are frantically paddling. 

Photo by Susan Weber on Unsplash

A little further in the conversation, she mentioned that perhaps the masks that I’ve developed (like my duck mask) had an unintended consequence: Things look like they’re smooth on the surface, so nobody realizes when you’re actually drowning.

I’ve been noticing a theme in my grief coaching conversations lately as well. I’ve had a lot of clients recently tell me something along the lines of: “Why aren’t people checking in on me? It’s been such a struggle lately, and it’s like nobody even notices!” 

It reminds me of something that consistently happened when we lost our son, almost seven years ago. When we lost our son, I took on the role of public relations for our family. This meant that I was the main point of contact for anyone that was checking in on us, dropping things off, or trying/attempting to support us. 

Often, and by often, I meant virtually always, was the question, “How are your wife and kids doing?” It was the easiest question because I had a (patent pending) answer always in the wings, “they’re doing as well as you can expect! It’s been difficult, but they’re surviving,” I’d say in my most solemn tone.

“I’m glad to hear that,” would be the response. Then they’d give me whatever they came to drop off, and then they’d leave. Each time, in my head, I would think, “You just asked about every single person in my household, except for the person right in front of you.” To be honest, it broke me a little every time. 

One of my realizations recently has been that even when the shit is deep, on the surface, it can look like everything’s fine. It’s all good…nothing to see here. It’s a mask that I’ve developed over many years of practice and training. If you’re anything like me, I’m willing to bet you have a similar mask - one that probably started to build as a part of our European upbringing (It’s fine! Everything’s fine! Walk it off!). Or maybe we developed it through our association with the busyness culture: There are only three acceptable answers to the question, “How are you doing? 1. Busy; 2. I’m alright; 3. I’m good. Regardless of the reason, for many of us we have “successfully” worn our Duck masks so often that we probably forget to take it off. 

And maybe that’s why we don’t check in on people that we deem - “strong.” The people that always SEEM to have their shit together. The people that are too busy always checking in on everyone else, or like many of my grief clients, taking care of their people that are hurting at the expense of not taking any time for themselves. 

Part of my realization this month has been that nobody will know I (or you) need help unless we say something, but if I’m being honest, I say that through a clenched jaw. I know in my heart of hearts that we need to ask when we need something. That’s advice I give and take to heart. And, sometimes, it’s nice to have others watching out for you without having to ask. To intuit, check in, or follow up to ask those questions. Nobody can read our minds, but sometimes it’s good to check in on the people that are checking in on you.

So, check in on the people around you, and if you’re struggling, there’s no shame in the support lane. 

P.S. I owe you a bit of a life update! It’ll be coming in the next couple of weeks, but honestly, life has been really full these days! My wife and I have started new jobs, we’re moving, and I’ve been working hard in the background on RELEASING A BOOK! I’m so excited to tell you all about it, but I’ll save that for another time in the very near future!