I’m tired.
To be perfectly honest, I’m not just tired, I’ve also been dealing with a lot of anxiety over the past year. And that has definitely contributed to me being tired.
The summer of 2022, my anxiety started reeling it’s ugly head again. I’ve dealt with anxiety before in the past, but it’s been a while since I’ve been in the ring with it. It started low level, just that anxious feeling when I’d leave the house. I’ve always had some level of anxiety about that, but it started getting worse.
Then, a couple of months later, I was teaching a course to a group and I started to get light-headed. I looked around to find a chair to sit in, only to realize I was already sitting. This happened a handful more times in various contexts before my wife told me to GO TO THE DOCTOR!
I had some blood tests and things along those lines done, and long story short, the doctor told me that it was likely anxiety. While this was all going on, I started going to therapy again to see if I could figure out the reason for the anxiety. While I never found THE reason, I did find a lot of contributing factors. For months, I tried and managed those feelings with various coping strategies.
Then I got a new job. Then my wife got a new job. Then we put our house up for sale. Then my wife went for training for a month, during the last month of school. Then we had to find a house to go to…three hours north of where we were living.
Oh yeah, and I had already committed to launching a project that I deeply cared about and have been working on for the past five years: (Welcome to) The Shit Club - A book about my dead child (and so much more).
I tried my best to do ALL the coping strategies, but nothing was working. My anxiety hit a level it had never hit before, and I was lost on what to do. Finally, I went to my doctor and asked for some pharmaceutical help.
Bit by bit, some of the changes and stressors that have been taking up space, started to lift and give way, and I started to notice how my body was reacting to my thoughts. I began to realize how disconnected my body and mind have been, and my body started telling me how exhausted it was.
When the book launched, I hit my breaking point, and I had a choice. Continue to try and promote the book, pushing myself past exhaustion, or just make a couple of posts about it and let it do what it’s going to do. It might sound like an easy decision, but it really wasn’t. This book has been in the making for over five years already, and I’ve put a lot of time, and money, into making it what it is today. Not only that, but the book was one of the toughest years of my life.
It was not lost on me that I was releasing it during one of the other toughest years of my life. So I had a choice to make. Listen to my body and rest, or keep going, don’t stop.
Since you haven’t heard from me for over a month, I’m guessing you know which one I chose.
I wish I could tell you that it’s all behind me, that I feel rested and back to my “regular” self, but that would be a lie. I’m not fully sure where I’m at in the journey at this point, but I do know that some of my energy has come back!
Often, when I do grief coaching (or any coaching actually), I try and start our time together with celebration. The idea behind celebration is to acknowledge some of the things that are happening in your life that you are proud of or that you feel need mentioning. No - we’re not talking about some of the toxic positivity kind of crap, mostly what comes to the surface are those little things that nobody else would notice or think is worthy of mention.
So today, what I’m celebrating is that I did stop. That I surrendered, and started the process of letting go of the control that I felt I should have clung to so that I could rest. I also am celebrating that, despite my promotional efforts, that there is a beautiful community here, and out there, that took that book and turned it into a #1 Hottest New Release and an Amazon Bestseller! I’m celebrating the beautifully difficult messages that I’ve received from those of you who have read the book. I’m celebrating that some of my energy is coming back. I’m celebrating that I’m starting to settle into a new community, both professionally and personally. I’m celebrating that I finally dropped the ball on purpose, even if it was a little close to full and total burnout.
And I’m celebrating you. Thank you for being here, and for witnessing these words. It means the world to me.
with gratitude,
Jason