Years ago, my in-laws had to get their docks in the water up North, so I decided it would be the perfect time to have a guys’ weekend. I called them up, and four of us, along with many of our sons, went up for the weekend. My friend and I got in the truck, with my son in the back, and picked up his two boys a few minutes down the road from the school. Once on the road, the boys in the back sounded like they hadn’t seen each other for years, and it was a grand old reunion. A very loud and boisterous reunion.
We were about 20 minutes into a 3+ hour drive, and I could feel my frustration rising to dangerous levels. I said to my son, “Get a hold of your boys back there, Carson! You guys are going a little berzerk!”
Carson replied, “Uh, Dad, but what are you always telling me?”
Ah, shit, I thought, I tell him a lot of things, so what is he about to repeat in front of his little friends and...MY friend??
“Aren’t you always saying you can’t control anyone else’s behaviour - only your own? Isn’t that right, Dad?”
Well....get ready for lesson number two kid....
But He’s Not Wrong
As much as I didn’t like it, my son wasn’t wrong that day. It’s something I’ve said countless times in our house and at work. You can’t control anyone else’s behaviour - only your own.
Just in the last month, this thought has come up in my life many times. I can’t help it if that person reacts the way they do to this situation. I can’t do anything if someone gets upset by taking on too much. I can’t do much when people want to do their own thing, and it impacts those around them. It’s not on me when people’s boundaries are terrible.
We may not be able to control others’ behaviours, but that doesn’t necessarily mean it won’t impact us.
So what happens when other people’s behaviours start to impact us? As much as we’d like to, we can’t exactly control another human being’s behaviour, right? (Can I get an amen from all the parents?) So what do we do?
In the book Man’s Search For Meaning by Viktor Frankl, he says:
When we are no longer able to change a situation, we are challenged to change ourselves.
This is certainly easier said than done, isn’t it? Often when I talk with groups about this, someone always says, But Jason! Why do I always have to be the bigger person? Why is it me that always has to change? Why is it only me that’s impacted and not them?
All valid questions. First of all, you don’t have to change. You’re welcome to be an asshole right back to the asshole. It likely won’t get you further in that situation; in fact, you’ll probably escalate it, but that’s your prerogative.
I had this happen to me recently. I thought to myself, They are being assholes, and screw that. I’m allowed to have a reaction. I’m allowed to be pissed. I’m allowed to be furious because this is what happens All. The. Freaking. Time.
Do you know what happened? Only I suffered. They continued to live their lives, seemingly not impacted in the least by the events that transpired. So, I felt all those pissed-off feelings, took some space to process my thoughts, and eventually realized that by me getting upset, I was giving away my power. I was letting them hold control over my situation when in reality, they don’t have access to that power if I don’t let it.
It reminds me of another Victor Frankl quote that says:
Between stimulus and response, there is a space. In that space is our power to choose our response. In our response lies our growth and our freedom.
So I guess what I’m saying is that it’s alright to get ticked off. It’s alright to feel like the only response you can give is to get angry, and there certainly is a time and place for that as well. And, more often than not, if we live in the space between comments and our responses, or incidents and our reactions, there is the possibility for growth and true freedom.